did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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