I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
