Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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