i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
