I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
