I can text with my tongue
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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