I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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