I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
