I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He passed out mid-signature
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
