her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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