it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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