There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
