Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
