When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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