I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
