Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
