Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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