Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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