Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
