just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
