So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
