if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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