I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
