I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
