made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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