Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
