It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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