You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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