just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
