Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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