If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
