I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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