I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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