that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
