When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
