direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
splinters make it hard to masturbate
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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