i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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