Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
