Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
