life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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