GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
