How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
