pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
