proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.