i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
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It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
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I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.