long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
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We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
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You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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