I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
