Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
