Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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