Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
