Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
