six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
