I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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