You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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