And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
This can only be settled by a dance off.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
