I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
