I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
