My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
