It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
