You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
