I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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