Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
