So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
