My cat gives me a boner
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
