i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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