I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
